In the modern world the question of the official registration of relations between a man and a woman who live together is surprising for many people. Their answer is, ‘What for? We will just try to live together. Maybe we won’t succeed. Why do we have to suffer then?’
Young people take this point of view, and it quickly becomes more and more popular. People believe that marriage is a tool to solve personal problems. Is there a different view of the relationship between spouses in marriage? Is it worth it to live your whole life with one partner? Is there happiness in marriage?
With these questions, we turned to Tahir Talipov, the teacher and marriage counselor of the International Public Organization Hope to People.
Tahir Talipov was born in 1954 in the Perm region in Russia. By nationality he is Tatar.
Education: Tashkent Engineering College (technologist); Kursk Bible College of the Holy Trinity (Pastoral ministry and Theology). Marriage counselor in the International public organization Hope to People.
Now he lives in Ukraine, Odessa. Married. Father of five children: one son and four daughters.
– How did your parents form your idea about family, about the role of husband and wife in marriage?
– Unfortunately, I grew up in a ‘single-parent’ family. I lived without a father. Then I thought that those who have both parents are in a better position than me, and I was jealous with them in my soul.
I always considered a husband as a defender, a friend, and my wife as a kind, affectionate woman, free of fears.
Did you have an imaginary model for building a happy marriage before wedding?
Should young people even think about it before the wedding?
– Yes, I had a model. It was my neighbors’ example. They had to work hard to raise five children. It was a pretty poor family. But they were spiritually rich, as I understand now. That time I didn’t know and didn’t understand many things but I observed their life and realized that they lived differently. The spouses had such relationships that I didn’t see either in my family or in the families of my relatives and other neighbors. They read the Bible together, went to worship, sang Christian songs, played various musical instruments – balalaika, mandolin, guitar and others, and laughed a lot.
The husband was in his place, and his wife was in her place. I hope that readers will understand me correctly. They didn’t live according to books as there were no Christian books at that time in that place. They lived according to One Book. So their life has become a model for me. I had a desire to build my family according to this model. I didn’t see how I can reach such life. I thought it all depends on luck like in a lottery. You can win either one coin or a car, maybe nothing. I think my environment formed such a view in me. People usually said about others like this, ‘Poor, he isn’t lucky with his wife’, or ‘Well, he is lucky! How did he get such a good wife?’ This point of view was sometimes even among believers. But spouses are not material things, they are not a coin or a car! A happy (unhappy) marriage is not just chance, but above all, the result of thoughts, prayer and trust in God. There are two ways in choosing a life partner. Either the man himself chooses, or the Lord. In my case, the Lord gave me a wife.
Should young people think about it before the wedding? Yes, of course. Marriage is an important moment in everyone’s life. I would say – the most important after repentance before God. Marriage is not a thing for one day. Our model of a happy marriage is only a vague image of what the Lord then gives to us.
– Who is your wife for you today?
– I will answer with the text from the Bible, ‘But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.’ (1 Pet. 2: 9). She is my queen, a saint woman for me. I did not deserve her, but God gave me her. She is a good Samaritan, my assistant. She is the mother of our children.
– Do you consider your marriage happy?
– Having such a WIFE is happiness! Annushka, my wife, recently sent a text message to me, ‘Tahir my dear … I thank God that I am yours. I love you!’ We are happy, and the reason for our happiness is in Jesus Christ. Only He is the origin of our happiness.
– Did you face difficulties in your marriage?
– Of course, we did. Difficulties always are the part of our life. It is especially difficult when we have to live separately – when I am away on my trip or when we have to live in different countries for some time because of temporary residence permit in Ukraine. Believe me, this is quite complicated. But we hope for God’s mercy and His guidance over our lives.
I love this passage from the Bible, ‘Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24: 15). You know, I think that difficulties actually help you to keep your marriage in a special way. Our friends sometimes ask us, ‘How are you getting on with each other?’ And I can answer only one thing, ‘This is not our achievement. This is a miracle, and the Lord does it.’
– For you, family is …
– A safe harbor with Jesus Christ. This is a team that follows the Lord.
– How does God influence your family?
He is the center of our family. He is the origin of our joy, peace and actions, often completely incomprehensible to us. His actions often surprise and amaze us. Finally, they fulfill us with the desire to praise Him!
– What advice can you give to young people who want to get married?
Check your motives and the reasons why you are taking this step. Let the Lord rule your life. Don’t be ruled by fear.
– What advice can you give to married people?
– Don’t allow yourself to get used to your marriage. Marriage is a union of three figures: God, husband and wife. Marriage is a relationship that needs to be preserved and developed. Don’t let material things destroy your relationships.
–What things did God teach you through your family?
– Through my marriage I saw the greatness of the One who is Everlasting… I realized that God loves to make us gifts. He gave us children, so many friends, brothers and sisters! He taught me to treasure and admire what surrounds me. He also taught me to show tenderness and courage. Every person is an exclusive work as He has no conveyor. He teaches me to show patience, mercy, understand another person, to learn more about Him.
– Do you think that your children are watching your marital relationship and form their ideas about marriage based on your marriage?
– Yes, of course! Everyone knows that children are able to copy what they see, and it is much more difficult to influence them with words. Annushka and I are trying to show our children Christ through our relationship. We want them to see that He is the origin of our relationship. We are trying to behave naturally. They see that dad loves mom, and mom treats dad with respect. (It was a kind of relationships that I observed in childhood with neighbors). We try to show attention to each other in the presence of children. For them it is important. Mom sometimes tells the children that she is happy that she is a woman. I also tell them that their mother is the best woman in the world. And they know about it. We do this, so that in the future they have the correct idea of a man and a woman.
– What is the main lesson about family you want your children to learn?
– God creates a family. Family is not a misfortune, but a blessing. Family is the place where you are expected and loved.
– What do you think of the so-called civil marriage?
– This question always makes me smile, and my another question, ‘But is there a military marriage?’ It’s nonsense! Civil marriage is a frivolous act of two self-lovers. I can’t consider it a marriage. This is similar to a temporary short-term arrangement without any obligations of the sides. I would definitely write the phrase ‘civil marriage’ with quotation marks, because none of these words fits the lifestyle that two immoral people lead. The institution of marriage is God’s offer for man. The marriage is consecrated. And what kind of ‘marriage’ is it? It is built not on love and trust, but on fear. Such a foundation is unreliable and short-lived. The term ‘civil marriage’ appeared not long ago. Some time ago such people were called civil partners or cohabetees. In such a marriage, neither side is responsible for the other. It’s irresponsibility. And as a result, the spread of the so-called cuckoo syndrome. Children, at best, are given to grandfathers and grandmothers for upbringing, and at worst, they are thrown into garbage containers… This is how two people live – they have identified sex as a priority in their lives. How can you live with someone you do not trust and who doesn’t trust you? This is the same as in the kingdom of sharks – after their mating they have scars from bites. ‘Civil marriage’ completely excludes God, and the Lord doesn’t sanctify such relations. God and immorality are incompatible. ‘Civil marriage’ destroys society from within.
– I know that you have been teaching family disciplines for a long time. Why did you choose this specific sphere of human relations?
Relations in my family and in the family of my Christian friends influenced me in my childhood. Also, the general picture of family today is rather disappointing. If at the beginning of the last century an average of 5% of divorces were registered in the world, at the beginning of the twenty-first century this figure reaches 93% in some places. If the family is a component of society, its foundation, then what will happen to society tomorrow if the epidemic of divorces destroys the foundation? This is not a new method of destruction. At the time, the powerful Roman Empire was destroyed the same way. Not the barbarians destroyed it. The institution of the family was undermined, and the barbarians only brought the matter to an end.
– What do you think is the problem of the younger generation today?
– They didn’t see an example of a happy family life in their families and they live today as they consider right for themselves. Parents didn’t form a system of real values since their childhood simply because they didn’t have it themselves. Parents and children don’t know the road, truth and life in Jesus Christ.
– What are your suggested ways to solve this problem?
– Parents need to focus on children, and not focus only on the material side. But first of all, they need to run to Christ. Because the Lord said, ‘Apart from me you can do nothing’ (John 15: 5). In churches, schools and universities it is necessary to talk about marriage and about Jesus who is the source of a happy marriage.
– Thank You for the honest conversation. May God bless you and your family!
Larisa Viseleva
